I get so nervous I'm shaking
Gets so I got no pride at all
Gets so bad but I just keep coming back for more
Guess I just get off on that stuff
Thinkin' about taking some time
Thinkin' about leaving soon
I got some things I can't tell anyone
Got some things I just can't say
They're the kind of things no one knows about
I just need somebody to talk to me
In all this time, the bottom line's
You don't know how much I feel
You say you see
But I don't agree
Don't know, don't know how I feel
I'm thinkin' about breaking myself
I'm thinkin' about getting back home
I think I been waiting for way too long
Thinkin' bout getting out
Thinkin' bout getting out
Thinkin' bout getting out
there's no good way for me to post the things i want to post without totally betraying my need for privacy right now. i tried to be honest yet cryptic, but that last entry came out way too goddamn cheerful, and it's just not like that. i'm so used to putting everything in here and this time i just can't.
i'm embarking on a journey that might just change my life, if i can only find the courage and strength to begin.
the first step is refusing to pretend to everyone that i'm not hurting. everything is not fine, and it hasn't been for a long time.
this is the hardest thing i have ever done for myself. i've done so many hard things for everyone else, but this one is all about me. and that is so damn difficult. and that's precisely what needs to change.
i can't go on doing what i'm doing. it's time to shed some skin. it's time to start thinking about getting out.
whatever you believe in, please send good thoughts my way, and to j and my support network.
i'm fighting for my life. i'm fighting for a real life. it's time to walk through the fire.