while you're standing just outside
of what your pride will allow
always reaching into yourself
to find a new way to understand me
when i'm sure that there's no one else
in the world
who could withstand me
the first person in your life
to ever really matter
is saying the last thing
that you want to hear
and you are listening hard
through the splintering shards
of your life as it shatters
and you're standing firm
and you're staying close
and you're seeing clear
and i say, i'm sorry i'm so crazy
I am astounded by your patience
and you say, believe it or not, baby
the joy you bring me
still outweighs it
and you're standing firm
and you're staying close
and you're seeing clear
- ani, of course.
my past comes busting through again, out for blood this time. and i've given up trying to explain, and i'm working on giving up trying to bury it. i'm hit with wave after wave and sometimes survival is accomplished day by day or hour by hour.
there are many people with opinions. there are people who think i should have gotten over this years ago. there are those who think that i am lazy and that i enjoy having my boyfriend support me. i have been called pathetic. the list goes on.
"'It has nothing to do with weakness,' said Professor Lupin sharply, as though he had read Harry's mind. 'The dementors affect you worse than the others because there are horrors in your past that the others don't have.'"
horrors in my past. i don't want to play the "who had it worse?" game anymore. it was real, and it was trauma, and it was almost ten years of day after day. and it didn't end then. it doesn't. it can't.
i don't want to define it or justify it, defend or be ashamed of it anymore. and for god's sake, if you see me out, don't freak out. i don't want to be known for this. i'd rather be known as a ravishing beauty with a killer sense of humor. you know, more than i already am.
it's all going to be okay. i believe this. there's just a little walking through fire that i have to do first.
thank you to everyone who has busted their asses making sure that i am safe and taken care of. lack of relatives doesn't feel so bad with family like this.
and to my boyfriend who never reads this journal anyway, the ani is for you.
"'Tell me one thing,' said Harry. 'Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?'
Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.
'Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?'"