Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you
I am afraid
*
ME: as of sept. 1st, i lose my food benefits.
THEM: oh, for chrissakes.
THEM: ...what happened...?
ME: *breathing*
ME: the last dr. i went to was a complete idiot. she's decided i can work, and has told THEM as much.
ME: she based that on a conversation we had about grace challenging me to work somewhere 1-4 hours a week, which, obviously, isn't supporting myself.
THEM: right... oh, sweet heavens...
ME: she also prescribed meds that are generally used for inpatients, because they're so badly tolerated and sedating.
THEM: and she sounds like a winner... oh, honey...
ME: so i'm supposed to work a minimum of 20 hours a week while applying for disability, on medication that sedates me and continuing therapy somewhere in there.
THEM: holy hellfire....
ME: then i could get benefits. until then, it's a steady diet of government cheese living in a van down by the river.
THEM: food benefits or disability benefits...?
ME: both: food and the general relief. the SSA disability is still rolling along, to the best of my knowledge.
THEM: okay... I didn't know how intertwined all of that is...
ME: yeah, it's pretty seperate, at least in theory, although it scares me that the disability people could get wind of all this.
ME: that'd be pretty bad.
THEM: jesus baby... you still breathin' over there?
ME: heh...i'm trying to.
ME: i just got an appointment at what seems like the last place in town for the uninsured (that is taking patients w/o insurance and isn't prohibitably expensive) for october 26th.
ME: 10 weeks.
ME: i'm over here counting my meds and strategizing.
ME: i would give anything i have for someone with a voice in this damned system to understand me. just a little.
ME: to not punish me or consider me lazy or want me to shut up so they can get back to their golf game.
THEM: how soon will grace be back? will she be able to help at all?
ME: first week in september, and goddess bless, i sure hope so.
THEM: ugh, honey... I am SO sorry...
ME: thanks. i'm thinking in the meantime, it's time to get in touch with the national institute of mental health, and the national center for PTSD, and see what they have in terms of advocacy.
ME: because i am too through taking it upon myself to make people understand this. i'm clearly not too good at it anyway.
THEM: it's not a matter of you being good at it -- it's a matter of the entire system having gone so horribly awry.
ME: i just feel so horribly misunderstood.
THEM: I imagine so...
ME: and the way these people talked to me...it's so hard to swallow, and so hard to not let that reinforce what was said to me over and over: go ahead and talk about it...no one will take you seriously anyway. and very few have.
THEM: *shudder* I can't even imagine what you're going thru right now baby...
THEM: and I know you know that you have to keep talking...
THEM: but, god... one brick wall after another... I hate this for you.
ME: i'm not crazy, right? or just lazy?
ME: times like this it feels like maybe i'm just making it all up.
THEM: you're not making it all up baby.
THEM: and you're not crazy... OR lazy.
THEM: you're doing the best you can with what you have... and it's not helping that it seems like folks are so quick to strip any measure of progress there away.
ME: ugh...i just can't stop crying for that 14 year old kid who feels so small and invisible, still.
ME: so very angry, but mostly, very very sad.
ME: thanks for listening. :-
ME: it's just unbelievable to me how well i was doing with bethany and grace, and how *good* group was for me, and the progress i was making, and...it wasn't that long ago and now it's just disappeared.
THEM: J told me some about group... I *cannot* believe that shit...
ME: my only hope with all that is grace bringing back, because....yeah. left to anyone else, it's done.
ME: and the idea of it being *gone* breaks down something very important inside me.
ME: it was unreal, the way that was handled.
ME: i just wish these people could grasp that this was NOT what i wanted...at ALL.
THEM: I know...I don't know when that godawful stereotype took hold of service providers' subconscious....but godDAMN...
ME: i don't either. but i've seen that over and over again, from the very first social services caseworker when i was 16 who said my stepfather was a great guy, and what exactly was my problem again?
ME: and it's been so much of that, for so long that it just takes your voice away. i wish i could remember how to scream.
THEM: sure... that was one of the biggest reason that I dropped the BSW program -- I had this fear that I WOULD in fact dismantle the master's house with the master's tools... and that I'd spend the rest of my life in orange.
ME: i don't know that i even know how to talk about it anymore. and that is so scary, that it'll get buried underneath what i am expected to be. i can't try any harder to be acceptable. that's what has gotten me here, in this place of not moving, not talking, not eating, actually forgetting to breathe. i have no idea who the hell i am most of the time, because i'm killing myself trying to be what "they" want.
ME: god, i can't imagine.
ME: i remember that teenage fire of "you are NOT going to win, you are not going to silence me, and i am, by god, going to become a full person." i don't like this scared silence, and this persistent fear that no one will believe me anyway, so what's the point?
THEM: it's not that no one believes you babygirl...you know that... it's just that the wrong people have the red pens... *sigh*
ME: so many people in my life have no idea why i am in this place though, and i don't know why i gave up talking about it...or why i feel such shame and guilt these days when i do.
ME: and you're right....absolutely right.
THEM: when all that righteous anger leaves you....or gets sucked out of you with a straw....sometimes what feels like shame and guilt is all that's left... those things....I don't know... it's like they regenerate their own anger if left to marinate long enough, you know?
ME: right now, they just look like a prison. and that's what i'm seeing that i need to do now. i need to stop punishing myself in his absence. i think it is time to go back to step one. i have these things going on, and i need help with THEM.
ME: because i can't do it alone, and i can't hide it or make it pretty anymore.
THEM: that's an incredibly brave step back
ME: *exhale* thank you....i think it's just time to start over in this regard. you know? just start over where i am right now.
THEM: yay, breathing. :-)
THEM: and sure...without trying to push or pull yourself in a hundred different emotional directions, HERE is a good place to start.
ME: yep. here is good...well, not good at all, which is why it's an excellent starting point.
*
i just don't know. i feel so lost and so defeated and so empty.
thoughts? suggestions? winning lottery tickets?