i don't know why i read the bennington alumni magazine. and i don't know why i went to the website to look up travel for the 75th anniversary this coming october. why in the hell would i want to go to that? it would be different if i had actually graduated, even if i'd gotten my degree elsewhere. or if i'd done more with my art...been published, or had an opening or reading somewhere. if i was involved at ALL with the local writing/art scene. in short: if i had something appropriate or relevant to show for the six years it's been since i left.
they're offering alumni email addresses now. i totally want one. and yet that feels so stupid. i was only there a year and a half. in the end, i crashed and had to leave. that's still the biggest personal heartache of my adult life. in some ways, i was blissful there. but there was a dark side, too. i had a lot of problems. what a screaming bitch that i finally feel almost mature enough to be in school (and really, you know, get it) seven years after i started. it's too late now, as far as bennington is concerned. it hurts my heart to know that when i graduate, it won't be a bennington degree. that was my dream for so long, and i worked my ass off to get there. i love that place. i love what it stands for. i even love all the clueless rich bitch hipsters. they gave it a certain appeal.
i can't go back. this i know. i have a house. a relationship. a goddaughter. i can't just pack up my fucking car and go live off work study again. and i guess i don't know when that happened, when i lost that freedom. for years, that power defined me, and without it i just feel trapped.
i've been thinking a lot in the past six weeks. this applying for disability somedays seems like more trouble than it's worth. i've lost faith that something that good could come my way. if it did, it would allow me access to decent medical care and access to education. i could take my time, do things at my pace, do the work, but not stay stuck. the money to pay my bills would eliminate so much of the anxiety i live with all the time. i could feel like i'm contributing, not just taking. i was not made to be supported long term. i love him for it, he saved my life, but it's just not what i've ever done.
i've been challenged in group to eliminate the "shoulds" from my vocabulary, and to consider what might happen if i followed my bliss. for me, that's the change in focus from pressuring myself to work full-time to figuring out how to finish my degree. the push for disability is a big part of that. don't i have the right to good medical care? decent housing and food and the ability to pay my bills? shouldn't i have the ability to finish school and give back to my community? think of all the things that could open up for me with a degree. and i haven't had access to these things because (for one) i didn't come into adulthood with the resources to make it happen. i have always had the smarts and the drive. i just haven't had the resources.
i wish like hell i had finished there. it was all i wanted for a long time. but i didn't. i had my reasons. i couldn't handle it, for one, and family came first. grandpa is gone now, and in that way, i do not regret a thing. i just want more. i feel so driven now, from someplace deep inside, and no idea what to do with that. the drive gets beaten out by insecurity, which causes anxiety and depression to keep everything as is. i need a change. maybe i'll be able to compile a list of area resources for writers/artists and make my own artists colony. hell, i don't know what the future holds. all i know is that i am sick to fucking death of being here, staying static.
i want revolution. i want it all.