okay...tree in house not withstanding, someone somewhere LOVES my ass. because i'm sitting in bed online. there's no internet connection here. g, your computer is magic! i had no idea that the wi-fi could pull a connection out of nowhere. holy crap.
but how great is this? i've got a rhapsody playlist going and i'm updating and i have my im buddy list and...yay! it's been a long hard week already and this could not have come at a better time. i needed connection SO VERY BADLY. i'm in heaven. seriously.
*
from last night:
Alone, again. It’s late…2 am. I’ve had a long day, but I can’t imagine lying down to sleep. Alone. Kinda. The boy is here beside me, as always…but there’s a solitude that comes with being the only one awake in the middle of the night. Successful insomniacs have to get used to that solitude (and bad television) if they are to be any good.
I’m seeing Grace on Thursday, how very strange. I’m not used to not seeing Bethany yet. It just seems like she’s around the corner, not gone to some new lovely office somewhere in conglomerate rehab therapy land, without me. It just doesn’t seem real that we’re stuck with that horrible lady with the sucked in face. And polyester…I swear to god…that’s almost worth an email to Bethany alone. “Dear Bethany, I’m afraid there’s been some mistake. Your replacement wears orange POLYESTER and has Carol Brady’s hair. Please return immediately to FIX IT.” Ugh. I miss her more than words already. Is it weird that breakup songs are appealing to me again?
Depression has set in again. Trouble eating, trouble sleeping…and I fucking RULE spider solitaire. None of this is me being proactive, and all of it is reminiscent of me building a condo in hell (hi andrea). Okay, so bright and early tomorrow afternoon, I’m going to get started on the following things. I can do this. No big deal, and I’ll feel so.much.better.
Ahem.
1. take shower, shave legs. (all the way up – no cheating!)
2. do laundry. No clean underwear isn’t cute on anyone.
3. put on cute jean skirt, as things just go better when I do.
4. straighten up friend’s house, pick up all of boyfriend’s pairs of pants from various spots in breakfast nook.
5. actually answer the phone, no matter who calls.
6. go to library, post inane entry, and check comments on vicious rant to fuel ego and self-esteem.
7. go to grocery store. Hothead cannot live on take-out alone.
There. That should about do it for one day.
So why can’t I breathe? Why do I feel like never getting out of bed again? I have my sense of humor. I have newly waxed eyebrows and boyfriend with newly cute hair, who would surely be miffed if he had to visit me in bed for the rest of our lives. I can do this. I know I can. I just…feel like hiding. Forever.
But, before I really commence to the self-pity, I have to say that amazing things are happening all around. Take this for example. I ran a few banners last week and not only did I pick up two new readers (hi y’all!) but one left me a note with poetry he WROTE for me. Just for me! Shut UP! See:
steel hearts and guitar chords
the slow fire of gentle whiskey kisses
while the band sets up for another set nicotine stains and lipstick smiles
we can all come back for another hundred miles
tube amps and bar tramps
the mystery train is bearing down and
i've been there on that sacred ground the sky is full of trinkets tonight
pick one and wish it right
whisper me well a husky goodnight
(poem by O for Hothead)
Isn’t that just cooler than shit? And quite possibly a good enough reason for me to get out of bed, into that shower, and back into some semblance of my real ass life.
Yep…Bright and early tomorrow afternoon, that’s what I’m gonna do…
*
so i only achieved a few things from my list. so i was in bed very late. so i spent most of the day cranky and cracked out. that's okay. i don't have to be perfect, i just have to make progress. and i am. so thank you for all the love and sweetness. it's helping.
i'm feeling better. i'm connected. it's all happening. here's to progress.