heels clicking against wet pavement. feet on the ground. with every step i put distance between us. this was not what i wanted, but i'd like to think i've risen to the challenge. we had a beautiful goodbye. it was my first time for that sort of thing. i've had so many losses that it was overwhelming to think of this as being different, but it was. we made it different.
she LOVED her painting. i was so proud of it...from conception to the final coat of shellac, it was done with love and appreciation. i took a picture, but until the day i can post that here (2007? digital? i'm still on disposable cameras with no scanner. it's sad.), i'll just have to tell you about it.
blue sky, shaded from cobalt to faint baby blue. cumulus clouds at the top, big and fluffy with lots of color variations. a sunshine done in the mexican folk art style. this was a self portrait. i gave her closed eyelids a healthy shot of pink glitter. she had sparkling red lips, freckles, and a rhinestone bindi in the center of her big yellow forehead. she was smiling. peaceful. to the right of the painting were the lyrics to "blue sky" by patty griffin, because that is the song that led to the whole idea. that is the song i have loved for years that now has deeper meaning.
i told her that she needed a sparkly mexican sunbeam in her world at all times, and if she couldn't have me, then i'd give her the next best thing. this was a labor of love. i was up until 3 am doing this, after having spent most of yesterday afternoon toiling away. i didn't eat, i barely smoked...i just painted in every emotion that came, using every color i had. it was beautiful. she loved it. and i loved giving it to her, along with a card that said, in essence:
"if you don't ask the right questions every answer feels wrong." - ani difranco. that is what you did for me, and for that, i thank you. i don't care what you say, you saved my ass, and i am eternally grateful. please keep in touch, take care of yourself out there in the crazy conglomerate system, and know that you always have a place in our hearts.
i asked if it was inappropriate for us to trade emails, and she said she'd been wondering that, too. she said that that was the bitch of her profession: outside friendships are frowned upon. wow. i told her i was thinking more along the lines of including her on group emails, say, when the house gets done and we have pictures, or...i finally get engaged or i'm graduating or publishing or having a reading. i know i shouldn't read too much into what she said, but a big part of me was thrilled that she wanted to keep in touch, too...as friends, even. i still don't know how i feel about that one, but it really doesn't matter right now. i'm so totally her favorite, and most importantly, i found out...
that i am very, very hard to leave.
this is not something i have really known. so many people made it look so easy.
this feels good. it was a good ending. it was honest and sincere and kind and reflected well on what our relationship was.
i left with her email, and a card that read:
dear c,
what a pleasure these last few months have been. i feel very fortunate to have worked with you. my hope for you is that you know you are special, capable, strong, courageous, powerful and good. my hope is that you can respect yourself and the process you are undertaking and that you can treat yourself with the patience, love and kindness you deserve.
as glenda the good witch in the wizard of oz said to dorothy (i may be paraphrasing here), "you always had the power in inside you. you had it all along." so it is with you. you just needed an oppurtunity and the faith in yourself to slow down and find it. you go, grrl!
please take good care of yourself. with respect, fondness, and gratitude,
bethany
i waited until i got to the car to read that, and i'm so glad i did. it was raining outside the car, inside the car...seriously. who wouldn't want the person who knows ALL their shit to say that at the end of it all?
and that's how i know i'll be okay. because i'm doing this the way i am doing so many things in life: with honesty and courage, and the people who know ALL my shit tell me they see the differences, and that they're proud of me. in a way i feel like celebrating...i'm still so so sad that it ended, and i still don't know what's next, but i have hope, and faith. in myself. and that might be the biggest change of all.
*
The farther I come, the farther I fall
Whatever I knew, was nothing at all
Nothing at all, just making me small
Smaller and smaller
I fall back
Sooner or later with a view from the ground
Chasing the race and the races run you down
Sooner or later with a view from the ground
And a tear in your eye
You say baby why can’t we fly
Into the blue sky
High
Into the blue sky
Be my singing lesson
Be my song
When I tell you I'm falling
You tell me I'm strong
You say trees have grown tall
Birds have flown high
Higher and higher
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye I'll fly
Over a rainbow
I'll be sun kissed
Sail around the planet Venus
And send a long letter
Way back home
That says all that I know
All that I know is the blue sky..."
*
and now, in keeping with the celebration theme, pictures i've been meaning to post!
not bethany's painting but the one before. it reads: i believe that my life's gonna see the love i give returned to me. (john mayer)
