{from 4.11:}
“i don’t necessarily buy any key to the future or happiness, but i need a little place in the sun sometimes or i think i will die.” - patty griffin
found out today that bethany (the wonder therapist) is leaving the free family counseling clinic. i think it’s for real this time (the last new job fell through at the last minute). i’ve been crying – sobbing – all day. our last session is may 3rd. i just can’t believe this is happening. first my doctor went insane on me two weeks ago (i’ll get to this later. for real. it’s a long story.) and i’ve spent all this time and energy trying to find a new one. we’re desperately poor, there’s been no decision on the disability and i’ve had anxiety so bad that i probably should have just gone to the er. it’s been such a struggle to even get up every day and deal with any of this. my sessions with bethany and my group sessions were the only things i had to count on to keep me sane, and now those are changing in a very fundamental way. i’m losing her and it is so unbelievable that this is happening now.
you know, it’s funny. i’ve had people tell me recently that i function too well; that i’m screwed up, just not screwed up enough to get the help i need. essentially, i’m not screaming loudly enough. i’m not a liar, or a manipulator, i’m not the worst of the worst. i put on a brave face to just get through and that’s read as i’m fine. i almost believed that too, for a while. but today, after it started to sink in that she was leaving, i felt truly desperate. not desperate as in doing anything crazy, but desperate as in i finally feel god-awful enough to demand better care. i am losing the very best thing i had going for me…one of the only things i had going well. look, i will get another therapist. and i’m sure that we’ll find a way to continue this work i’ve been doing. i’m not giving up. it’s just that…bethany was different. we have such an amazing connection. we were both hugging each other and crying as i left today. she gets me. understands. lets me be where i am and meets me there. no judgments. no proselytizing. she is gentle and smart and kind and hysterical and proud and protective and honest, and i simply don’t know what i’ll do without her.
my heart hurts.
*
{from 4.25}
that was two weeks ago, you know: life pre-tree. as bad as things are, they can always get worse. that’s something my grandmother always used to say, and these days i’m forced to agree.
since i wrote this, there has been a disability denial, and the lawyer i contacted won’t be taking my case. these are all things that i haven’t had the opportunity to even deal with since the tree, things that haven’t gone away, things that just got buried. today i had a session with bethany. next week is our last, and it’s all starting to sink in. the sense of loss that i feel is tremendous. she tells me that it’s me who did the work, me who made all the changes i’ve been going through possible. but she was my lightning rod, my safe place to land and my greatest challenger. i keep telling her that i’m just not ready to move on. not now, not like this.
she’s going to work for the big medical conglomerate here and tells me that if my finances should change or should i become insured, she has no problem with me following her there. she isn’t happy about ending our relationship, either. i’m glad she said this, mostly. i was already thinking it, and her saying it helped me feel like less of a stalker…but it’s also a bit of false hope. it’s just not terribly bloody likely that any of those things will change anytime soon…and that hurts, too. i feel so stuck, and so fucking vulnerable to life’s whims. acts of god are everywhere in my life, it would seem, and i can’t claim to understand any of them. all i know is that for a while i felt safe and secure in my little life, free to work my ass off and revel in the changes. now it’s different. now it’s just gritting my teeth and getting through. i get that life comes in seasons and that nothing is meant to last forever. it’s just that it feels like i’ve had a lifetime of loss, a lifetime of being left, a lifetime without security…and i was just getting used to feeling like things might be changing.
i accept life’s changes. i have to. but i have to say, i don’t do so willingly. i am angry and scared and so so frustrated that nothing feels like it will ever last long enough for me to feel secure.
i’m not ready. i don’t know how else to say it. it hurts, and i simply do not like it.
i’m making her a painting she doesn’t yet know about, because it’s all i know to do with this angst. it has to go somewhere. i don’t know how to say goodbye, not really, not well…and so i’m trying this time the only way i know how: something permanent, something she can take with her, something i can leave behind. it hurts too much to leave that last day and leave only a memory. she’s been too much to me.
*
{today:}
our last group session, and bethany's replacement was named. unfortunately, she's someone that two of our group members have had before and had major personality clashes with. upon hearing the news, one of them said, "well, i won't be coming back anymore then." sigh. we talked them into coming back at least one more time, but the damage was done. they checked in with me and i was pretty well into the panic by then. how much more change can i deal with? i'm not ready to lose bethany, and i'm really not ready for the group to splinter off. this is what i was afraid of: changes my little world won't recover from.
they tell me that it wasn't bethany, that it was me. that i did everything. i'm sorry, but i think that's kinda bullshit. because how do you explain kathleen, and all those years i spent showing up and working hard? three years, and i didn't do a fraction of the things bethany and i have done in eight months. i don't think that's all me. i just don't. this time was easier. it just happened. this time i hit the ground running. i found support, encouragement, people who get me. and look how far i've come. i've been working my ASS off, yes...but there's something about the company i've been keeping that led me to this place. and i don't want to leave. i'm afraid of the new person. i'm afraid of a new therapist. i don't want to start all over and i don't want to go through what i've gone through in the past.
i don't, i don't, i don't. i sound like a preschooler, i know. but that doesn't make it any less true: i don't want to do this, and i am not happy that i have to.
but at least i'm emoting enough to finish the painting....