sometimes, even in the strongest of relationships, you can lose focus. it's like watching a movie with one character in extreme closeup: if you don't occasionally pull back the camera, you miss all the characters and all the context. we as individuals have so much internal reality that people rarely see, so much that makes us real and complex and beautiful. i hate to admit that i've ever missed a thing in my relationship, but it seems it's true.
what i haven't said here is that my boy has been doing a show, b3st |itt|e whor3hous3 in t3xas (ahem, so i can't be googled), for almost two months. it just closed sunday and has been going in full force during all this life stress and work i've been doing. when he first auditioned and started rehearsals, i was so excited and so very proud. my little nerdy boy was a ho-banging football player, for god's sake. this is not, in all honesty, something any of us ever thought we'd see j be in ANY arena. this required singing on stage (in and of itself, something he swore he couldn't do) in a lower register than he's ever used, running around stage in his underwear and using the male dressing room. we were severely nervous. could he pass? could he really pull this off? the answer: like you would NOT believe.
when this started, i had no idea what kind of sacrifice and commitment this would take, and how much would just not get done in our lives. i didn't know how MUCH i would miss him. i didn't know how hard it would be to watch him all hyper-sexualized (i mean, it IS a whor3hous3) with the girls, and bringing nothing home to me but exhaustion and dirty laundry. i also didn't know that i would discover a new level of strength in myself, a level of self-protection and autonomy that i needed. and yeah, part of my pride in watching him do the show is all the hell we went through. he'd work an 8 hour day with overtime every weekend, come home for an hour, eat, change and run to rehearsal, where he'd be until about 10-11 at night. i never saw him, and when i did, he was exhausted. i'm not going to lie...it was bad. we fought and one night i jumped in my car and tore up interstate 81 without telling him where i was going. i was so hurt and lonely and scared...but i came back and started learning which needs were my responsibility...essential stuff about the limits of relationships and how there ain't anyone coming to save my ass, so i'd better dig in and learn to save myself. during the course of the show, i have done some of the hardest, grittiest, dirtiest work of my life.
but i learned that i can let go. i can even watch this boyfriend kiss other girls, get felt up (again, whor3hous3), flirt shamelessly, and i don't go straight into jealous bitch. i am, as it turns out, VERY generous when it comes to giving to the arts. mostly, i've been able to use that whole weird performer/audience dynamic to take a long look at him: his talents, his weaknesses, his struggles...his context, essentially, and mine, too. we struggle, and we navigate truthfully and bravely, pushing ourselves all the way.
he did an incredible job, earning a solo and several big harmony parts...as well as respect and accolades from pretty much everyone. plus, little old ladies LOVED his ass. yep. i'm proud.
and now...pictures!
mmmm! ain't nothing like a man in uniform...especially when it's mine!
my proudest moment: when he undressed his "ho" with one hand. i taught him that! :)
he very well might kill me if he saw this, but...hahahahahaha! isn't it priceless?
dirty little secret: footballs scare him.
heeheeheeheehee....NEVER thought we'd see the day.
and the rest...the guy ALL the girls wanted...with the biggest 'ho of 'em all.
