{note: this first part is about a past relationship. my current (and i'm hoping, last) boyfriend is brilliant and wonderful and loves me madly. just so there's no confusion...}
you know what i'm starting to think? i'm starting to think that stupid stupid boy had it all wrong. i wasn't a lying bitch. i wasn't psycho. i wasn't even crazy. i'm starting to think it was wrong, the way he treated me. i'm starting to think that you shouldn't ever disregard a woman's "no" no matter how much fun YOU'RE having at the time. i'm starting to think that you shouldn't have the right to make someone feel so small and insignificant and that everything bad they were ever told was true. i'm thinking that if you love someone, if you're, say, a good person, you build them up, not break them down.
sweetheart...my former darling boy. you i loved. you i tried to protect, even from yourself. you i still love, in spite of myself. this is not romance. this is not the hallmark card bullshit in which we once believed. this is that i gave you a part of me and i can't just turn it off kind of love. love that is maddening. love that exists in spite of either one of us. and that's what hurts the most. you were no stranger. you i loved.
you i loved.
*
"well she was precious like a flower
she grew wild, wild but innocent
a perfect prayer in a desperate hour
she was everything beautiful and different
stupid boy... you can't fence that in
stupid boy... it's like holdin' back the wind
she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
and you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
she never even knew she had a choice
and that's what happens when the only voice
she hears is telling her she can't
stupid boy
stupid boy
so what makes you think you could take a life
and just push it, push it around
i guess to build yourself up so high
you had to take her and break her down
well...
she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
and you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
she never even knew she had a choice
and that's what happens when the only voice
she hears is telling her she can't
stupid boy
stupid boy
you stupid boy
you always had to be right
and now you lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive
you stupid boy
it took a while for her to figure out she could run
but when she did, she was long gone, long gone..."
*
what if...
what if i could go into a doctor's office for a pap smear (formerly The Scariest Thing In The Whole World) and tell them the truth and be treated with respect and kindness and afterwards even have the courage to go for blood tests (optional, standard std testing) and demand care bear bandaids and a hot fudge sundae after?
what if i went in wearing shimmer lotion, hello kitty underwear and princess socks?
what if i had a boyfriend who took the afternoon off work to go with me because he couldn't even imagine trying to work through my appointment? what if i had a boyfriend who held my hand, told me how proud he was of me, backed me up every step of the way, and even told me that i made that cloth gown look GOOD?
what if i could be triggered and alone in my house, get scared out of my wits by a complete mannerless moron, start rocking and ranting and pulling my own hair...then reach out for help and NOT hurt myself? in fact, what if, instead, i got in the shower and gave myself permission to scream because the memories and feelings and physical sensations were all just too much? what if i was able to choose healthy release, and learn to be unashamed of that need?
what if, that same night, i could be alone and scared and overwhelmed and write *bombshell* and *warrior* on my hips in pink pen as a lovely, healthy reminder of who i really am as a woman? what if i can allow myself to change? what if i can stop trying to be cool and tell myself out loud how i would be strong and protect myself when the gale force winds outside wreak havoc with my screen door, and all i can think is that someone's coming in to hurt me, and i'll just have to take it?
what if i could learn and change and heal?
what if i already am?
what if you can, too?