tomorrow at around 2 pm, i'm having a rendezvous with a speculum and a pair of stirrups.
for the first time ever.
needless to say....i'm pretty terrified. i'm a little embarrassed admitting that, and kind of waiting for the barrage of "oh, it's not THAT bad" and "you just have to face it" in my notes inbox. i'm a little scared that i'm being a drama queen. making too much of it.
but there's something else here...something so real that i can actually taste it. i'm fearful, and i have every right to be. this appointment has been stirring up all KINDS of shit: nightmares, flashbacks, a fear of every damn thing and a feeling i can't shake that i am not alone, even when i am. that there is no safety. that i'm haunted and fucked up and damaged and powerless.
the people in my group tell me i can cancel this, that i don't have to go. but you know what? i don't want to be powerless anymore. by any means necessary, i HAVE to go forward. i'm doing this for me. i don't want to be patronized or minimized. i just want a nod of respect from those who understand what it takes not to go under. there are so many of us, i'm learning, all of us powerful and amazing.
as a dear dear friend once said to me: we are women in a divine revolution, and i am honored to share that with you.
thanks in advance for all the love and support i just know y'all will send my way. love.
*
ps. i know you'd rather that i forget. i know you'd rather just laugh about it, laugh at me...
but i just want you to know: i know it happened, and i remember EVERYTHING.