so much. so so much. i hardly know where to start...
the last time you heard from me i was in the very beginnings of applying for all sorts of benefits. yikes. as of today, i've applied for food stamps, general relief (sort of a "while you're waiting for disability" help), and medicaid, even though i know i won't get it. something about dates of application being really important. i got the food stamps, and i got enough to count, lemmetellyou. we went to the store and got our groceries...even fresh produce...something i was really missing in my world.
yesterday, j's dad and i completed my initial disability interview at social security. i can apply for "child's benefits" as an adult under the money my stepdad made...which kind of changes everything. i worked my ASS off on that application, and they were certainly impressed. what can i say? i always was an over achiever.
but the bigger story here, bigger than all the work i've done in these offices, is the internal work. because i have spent YEARS of my life resisting any sort of help, believing that i didn't deserve it or that i wasn't THAT bad and would never be believed. plus, this has all meant telling secrets...mine and my family's.
i went in to the social services interview alone, because they wouldn't let jj come back. i sat there while she pulled up my file, asked about the last time i was on assistance (my adolescence, a time i have tried VERY hard to forget) and my mother and sisters and...yeah. no way out but through, i've found. so i told her everything. i told her that that morning, i woke up to find that our water had been shut off. i told her that thursday, i went to a food bank for the first time just so that j and i could eat. i told her that i didn't have family that was able or willing to help, and that i needed to get this on my own. and you know what? she helped me, and was very kind about it.
and yesterday, i went into the disability interview and told them how batshit crazy i have been in my life with my hopefully-future-father-in-law sitting right there. he heard about the time i truly had psychosis at the call center, the times i couldn't even shower or eat. he now knows that i went into therapy the first time at age 11, after my father pulled a gun on my mother. in front of me. that's when the anxiety started. (you want a date of onset? try that on for size.)
nope, i have no shame anymore. i'm so sick and tired of shame i can't stand it. why should i be ashamed, of any of this? shame got me nowhere. movement? it's getting me everywhere. if i'm found to be disabled, i have a shot...a real shot...at financial independence, at health, at being able to breathe long enough to heal. and that's all i want. all i need is one solid chance to make good, and i will. i know i can.
this week...these past few weeks have NOT been easy. our mortgage went up, our resources went down. we've faced shut-offs and cars out of gas (in the road, in january, no less) and fear...real paralyzing middle of the night you might not make it this time fear. but i wasn't paralyzed. and we will make it.
the past few weeks have seen a return to me at my best, the girl that is so easy for me to love. i'm fighting, and i'm fighting hard for this, for our survival. and the biggest surprise of all? i made it through. i went to those appointments. i went to the food bank and made friends with Saint Mary, my new gay catholic fiend. i used the EBT card all by myself (huge!). i've said "i need help" more times in a month than i ever have. and the guy at disability told me the tricks of the trade. he told me how to work the system, and how to come out on top. and j's dad? he is PROUD of me. he believes in me and in my relationship with his kid, and when he told me that he thinks of me as his own daughter, i damn near cried. because this is what it means...this is what i've watched other people have, this is what i've been so lost without since losing grandpa. this is what my own parents couldn't do: help me help myself and guide me to where i want to go.
i am so grateful to the Great Miss Thing for her love and light. because i feel it all around, and because the biggest obstacle i'm facing right now is myself...not the outside world. and once i learned that and learned to freaking ASK, it just started happening.
whew. i didn't mean to write an inspirational lifetime movie script. it's just that when it's good...especially when it's SO BAD...you know? it's crazy.
we've still got bills piling up that i just don't know how we're going to pay. we're dodging bullets right and left. i don't know how i'm going to pay for doctors and pills and therapy appointments. i just don't know.
but i do know that i'll find a way. i believe that more than ever. faith. who knew?
*
"Ain't it crazy
For a moment there
This felt just like dying
But now I see that something inside
Is coming alive
Ain't it crazy
No use running from a revolution
I just surrender to this evolution
Heal me lift me
Take me to the other side
Amazing grace
Has touched my face
And the sweet sound doesn't lie
Ain't it crazy
For a moment there
I just gave up trying
But now I see
You can let the light in
You can begin again
Ain't it crazy
I lay me down in this sweet perfection
I am a witness to my resurrection
Heal me lift me
Take me to the waterside
Drop me in let me swim
Let everyone know
I'll be coming home again..."
ps. happy belated birthday, abby!!