Dancin' where the stars go blue
Dancin' where the evening fell
Dancin' in your wooden shoes
In a wedding gown
Dancin' out on 7th street
Dancin' through the underground
Dancin' little marionette
Are you happy now?
Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue
Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover's tongue
In a lullaby
Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue
The stars go blue, stars go blue...
*
it's over. she didn't want to hear it. she wanted me to come to work, no matter what. she wanted me to produce. she started out caring and took a worng turn somewhere. she was more patient than some, but in the end, it couldn't hold. she accepted my resignation. she didn't even want a full two-week notice. she just wanted one full week. i gave her 3/4s of one. i went to work directly after group yesterday. they wanted one more display window out of me (my claim to fame), a christmas window, and god, did they ever get one. it's beautiful. i even bought wrapping paper so i could wrap empty boxes and put all of our employees names on gift tags (handmade, of course) and put all of them under the tree. i got stopped a thousand times today and complimented...just not by my immediate coworkers. they have yet to say a word.
today i found out by my only "friend" there that pregnant mormon girl told the doublemint twins and creepy p that i was leaving because i was crazy. i am told there was much eye-rolling and giggling. to my face, pregnant mormon girl was all smiles. to my face, the doublemint twins and p had nothing to say. i was ignored and stared at and avoided all fucking day. i would walk into a room only for conversation to stop. i'm not a paranoid person, but i'm not a moron, either. to hell with them.
i just left a message for my boss. she's not stupid. she has to be expecting it. i'm not going tomorrow. she got her window. i got pictures of it. we all win.
i talked to my best friend. she's living with these crazy girls in some baltimore apartment. i told her about the date i have on monday to go to social services. she suggested i just get a 20-hour a week job. walk dogs or something. she kept changing the subject, talking to everyone else in the room and hung up with me twice to take two other calls. i haven't talked to her in five months. i called another friend and woke her up, but she talked to me anyway until her phone died. i called one of my oldest and dearest, a mother, and woke her up too, but didn't have the heart to ask her to talk me down. she has four children. she doesn't need a fifth.
i can't wake j up, and even if i could, i wouldn't want to. i can't take all this to him anymore, he can't handle it. he told me as much. my support system needs a support system.
i'm down tonight. i feel guilt and shame and that i have failed. you know what i want? i want somebody to fall in love with me again. you know that period where that person is a total enigma, a total mystery, and you send them songs of support and understanding, and about desperately wanting to *really* know them? i want to get that mixtape. i want to not be an old broken record. i want someone wise and magical and inspired to tell me that they'd give anything to know what was inside my head. i feel like everybody in my world has heard it all before. i need a new audience.
i just feel old and tired and spent and hopeless. i know this too shall pass. i know. i know that i need capture all the spirit, hope and momentum that i can to keep myself from going under. i'm trying. i just need a hand to hold that feels like it's there because it so desperately wants to be.