march was when we all started. march. not that long ago, right?
but in march, there was the sticky residue of betrayal and the beginning of the end that led to a very painful divorce for one of us. there were also those ever present crushes, and thoughts of marriage...for real. in march i was asking for my father's help, and being turned down. i was still cutting. i was watching one of my dearest go so far down that she almost didn't make it back. *i* was thisclose to not making it back out myself.
then we'd all gather, and you'd tell us that believing in this living was such a hard way to go. that that mean old damn woman made you just want to crawl in a hole in a wall and die. you'd sing us lullabies. you'd tell us about busting down stalls and leaving our bodies behind...and we believed. because what you maybe didn't know was that sometimes that moment of raw emotion in your voices was all we had to tell us that you'd lived, too, that we weren't alone.
you've always thanked us, but i think last night was the first time i've thanked you back.
my mother was a groupie for a local band. i've always loved that about her...i grew up watching her spend her weekends going to every show, bringing me when she could. those rough rockers carried me on their shoulders and pulled me onstage to sing with them. my mother is gone now, and one of the strongest links i have to her is the music she loved, the music she left for me. that's why i'd sing so hard to some of your songs...they were hers, too.
my father is...well, he's just a man. he's never been a particularly good one. i'm sure he's tried, but i have spent my life aching for someone to sit me down, hold my hand and tell me how it IS. someone tough enough to make me believe that they'd be there, someone strong enough to give some of that strength to me. i'm still searching, i know you're not that person for me, but i swear to you...this is the lullaby i never got, and i don't mind telling you that i soaked up every bit that i could.
"Father:
It's not time to make a change
Just relax, take it easy
You're still young, that's your fault
There's so much you have to know
Find a girl, settle down
If you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy
I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy
To be calm when you've found something going on
But take your time, think a lot
Why, think of everything you've got
For you will still be here tomorrow but your dreams may not.
Son:
How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again
It's always been the same, same old story
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go...
Father:
It's not time to make a change
Just sit down, take it slowly
You're still young, that's your fault
There's so much you have to go through
Find a girl, settle down
if you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy
Son:
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside
It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it
If they were right, I'd agree
But it's them, they know not me
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go...."
and you...you who charmed us all, in spite of ourselves. you that won over the rednecks. you that opened up your doors to us, to dinner parties and let us unabashedly love you. your questions, your bad jokes, your bad ideas, your bad food choices at waffle house at 3am. so damn tough and fragile and beautiful. we're going to miss your face.
"She comes down from Yellow Mountain
On a dark flat land she rides
On a pony she named Wildfire
With a whirlwind by her side
On a cold Nebraska night
Oh, they say she died one winter
When there came a killing frost
And the pony she named Wildfire
Busted down his stall
In a blizzard he was lost
She ran calling Wildfire
She ran calling Wildfire
She ran calling Wildfire
By the dark of the moon I planted
But there came an early snow
There's been a hoot owl howlin' by my window now
For six nights in a row
She's coming for me I know
And on Wildfire we're both gonna go
We'll be riding Wildfire
We'll be riding Wildfire
On Wildfire we're both gonna ride
We're gonna leave our bodies behind
Get these hard times right on out of our minds
Riding Wildfire..."
see you in march...
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