Today it's not about what is happening in your external world. You are in touch with a wide range of emotions that have pulled you under the changing tide, into a familiar, but deep and lonely, place. You don't need to stay there by yourself. More people are on your side now and will come to your rescue if you need it. Go ahead and reach out. It's much safer than you think.
*
by what cruel twist of fate am i still AWAKE? it's not as if the past two days haven't been long (or hard) enough to leave me completely exhausted...
i should be sleeping, or at least making an attempt, but i wanted to update to say that today i made my first group meeting ever. it's for abuse survivors, and is co-facilitated by bethany. i got the time off work (at least until january) and i went. all by myself.
it was so fucking strange...but so so good. i reconnected with a part of myself that i thought was long gone: that strong strong girl who can take good care of herself and be unflinchingly honest. the people there are certainly characters...it was like being both contestant and participant on a game show called "guess my neurosis!" they were off in that way that everyone can be once you see the *real* person...it's just that they were like that - no, WE were like that - on our first meeting. very raw, very intense.
i didn't get my boss to give me tuesdays off. so after the meeting, i went walking around downtown for a bit (yay local coffeeshop nearby) and then to the bookstore and worked 4 hours. j came to see me at 5:30 and stayed until closing....thank GODDESS. i wouldn't have made it otherwise.
we spent last night telling each other some pretty painful truths, finally communicating in a way we've needed to for a long time.
we're planning on changing our bedrooms this weekend, and moving all of grandpa's furniture out.
the next two nights we'll be spending with a friend who is leaving us too soon for a place that's too far away.
chapters are ending and chapters are beginning all around, and it's all i can do to just hang on and let the change happen...to surrender to the natural evolution of the way things are supposed to be.
i just can't get those group members out of my head. i wanted to judge them. label them. call them crazy...tell myself i wasn't like them, that i didn't need the same work that they do. i couldn't. their stories cut too close. their psyches are eerily similar. we have too much in common. i'm not ahead of the crowd. i'm not lagging behind. i'm just here, we're just all here together, making an honest go of it, doing the very best we can.
here's to clarity, and to change.
ps. if you're reading this, know that those worry/prayer/meditation stones you gave me worked wonders. the one marked courage? i held it in my hand throughout the whole meeting. i thought it would have bad mojo...but i remembered that you gave them to me when we thought we were in love, so i would have something to hang onto. and i just wanted to let you know that despite everything, that's completely worth hanging onto. thanks.