"So denied, so I lied
Are you the now or never kind?
In a day and a day love
I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had?
Are you cool with just tonight?
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye, tomorrow's gonna come too soon
Put your name on the line
Along with place and time
Want to stay, not to go, I want to ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
All my time is frozen in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Don't let me let you go..."
well. it so happens that taking care of my anxiety brought up all of the things it had been hiding...in spades.
i just called work four hours early to tell them i'm not coming in today. yesterday afternoon was awful. i came home, took both meds and was still in a state. thankfully, my boss and i had a discussion last tuesday about anxiety/panic, and what it means for me. she was really supportive, thanked me for my honesty (another HUGE step) and offered to do anything she could to help. today she did the same. i have to call back later and tell them how i'm doing, which...i want to just be let off the hook totally, but it's also nice that she cares enough to want an update.
regardless...i'm staying in my pajamas, i'm writing, i'm reading, i'm going over to my best sistagrrl's house because she knows this and she knows me and together we can maybe make a little sense of all this mess.
sunday night i kidnapped j and we laid in bed for hours so that i could LET. IT. OUT. in a way i never have before. he asked questions about my past, and i told him details that he never knew. i told him stories, and then we'd break long enough for me to put it all together, as in, "so i had this thing going on, on top of having to do this, this, and this. and then add this to the mix, and...." i was actually processing through it. feeling it, as much as i ever have. crying. raging.
let's take a minute.
this is astounding progress. this is what i have always wanted, but NEVER felt safe enough to do. i find it more than a little irritating that i had a year off, and all this is happening now, but you know...no one ever said that this was going to happen on my timetable. so i sit in the middle of it and i try to figure out what next.
i think i need one less day a week. i think that, if the boss will go for it, i need to have tuesdays off, or at least come in at 6 to close or something. i need to break up that four day stretch that, right now, is so overwhelming to me. i'm a strong girl. i can dig deep and get through a lot of things...temporarily. i can't dig any deeper to get through this. something has GOT to give if i'm going to keep all these balls in the air.
truth is? i think i actually like my job. i really really really don't want to quit. i think this could be a very good thing. but...i can't do it all. and i struggle with that. there are so many things i want to be able to do, and i HATE to admit that i can't keep it all together all the time.
and maybe i can't. maybe i'm just human, and a human in pain, at that. maybe it's time to surrender and just deal with what IS, not what i think should be.
my stepfather kicked around for ten years of my life. their marriage lasted over six years. this is a lifetime of hurt. it isn't going to go away, it has to be taken on bit by bit, and it's going to take a long time. i'm healing. i felt it as early as monday morning. i'm on my way, and it feels as good as going through my own little slice of hell can.