"yeah and it’s
hard not to go to that
place in my head
that’ll stop me from ever leaving this room
yeah and it’s all so confusing
because i’m all worked up
because all my thoughts are tangled into one
panicked line of white noise
drown out the voices
drown out the noise
drown out the bitterness yeah that I have stored
drown out my wanting
drown out the fear
you know that everything i’ve worked for
is just going to
disappear..."
anxiety has hit again with a vengeance. i saw it coming like an oncoming train in a tunnel and i couldn't outrun it, couldn't dodge it.
i'm not giving in this time. i can't. so i'm taking the day off, and i'm going to find a friend to sit with and make the calls i need to make: the therapist, and the area's local clinics for the uninsured (*raises hand*).
i can't take this...not like this. i can't feel my fingers or my lips. my heart has been pounding for HOURS. i feel sick and tense and i can't breathe. i'm amazed that i'm sitting here typing at all...i ran out of words hours ago and just sat and stared.
i feel *horrible* calling in to work. i really really do. it's just that it comes down to this: i can go to work and push through, until the day that i can't anymore. or i can take this day and make those calls and make some appointments and make this better long-term.
i said to j tonight that i can't do this alone anymore. i need help. and sometimes, those are the most important words that we can say.