it has been my argument for the better part of a year that a job in and of itself would not be enough to "fix" me. so why am i now surprised to find that i now need to prove this to myself all over again? because what you (editorial you; the you being the vocal or silently expectant "get-a-job" chorus) never did seem to understand was how much i have hated not being normal, how much i hated being unemployed, depressed and distressed, up all night and sleeping til 2 pm in my messy house. it has been nothing short of humbling at it's best and humiliating at it's worst.
so then i get The Job, that all important social signifier. i got all the well-meaning (and well-taken) pats on the back that i could have hoped for. i got it all...and i fell for it. got drunk on it. i went about making me the very best me i could be in preparation for The Job, despite telling bethany that i wasn't. i worked my ass off and then i started The Job and have rocked it out to everyone's satisfaction...and got fucking distracted.
i left therapy last week dissatisfied with the...triviality of our topics. our conversations are self-directed, so trust that i'm not blaming bethany for that one, it's just that feeling of being unable to connect with anything deeper than my most superfical levels and responses of "ow, that hurts" and "stop it right now." and this feels too familiar to me. this is me and kathleen spending three years talking about real things only when a crisis mandated it, maintaining the rest of the time because she didn't ask the right questions, and i was too scared to connect to anything real. this is me at every job before, namely the last one, so energetic and excited at first and then slowly getting burned out and eventually so overwhelmed by my issues creeping back (because i was merely distracting, not dealing) that i couldn't get out of bed. this, all of this, is precisely what i don't want.
here i am again, though, sitting outside on smoke breaks, telling myself that it's going to be different this time. i have this great job, i'm finally respectable again. don't rock the boat, don't think too much, don't fucking blow it this time.
but if i don't start actually transitioning from unemployed/in repair to employed/in repair, instead of dropping one for the other, i will end up with the same results i always have.
if it is to be different this time, it will be only because i have approached it differently.
this is where bethany comes in. this is where we do this together, because left to my own devices, it will be the past stuck on repeat. i want to keep the focus on myself in the present tense, but i'd also like to integrate all the things i have seen and done, and all the things i have been before, i no longer wish to "go back," i can't, and there is nothing left for me there anyway. i want to be here, in the present. life has been steadily getting better, and i want to experience every single second of it. i believe that there has to be a way to view my past through my present, to use it as a tool to see the problems it presents to my life right now.
i started this by talking about how i just wanted to be normal in this last year...but that isn't the whole story. what i am really dedicated to is being real, and that is what i'm reaffirming my dedication to tonight.
here's to progression, the long lasting, life/self-affirming kind.
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i wrote that today. it about sums up my interior life lately. The Job? you know, i'm liking it a lot. i'm about 40% office assistant and 60% bookstore retail whore. with a LOT of perks. i'm still waiting for my state background check to clear...it's been two weeks, and no one knows what is taking so long. my only (silent) thought is that they found my blog, and it's taken simply forever to read through. sorry guys.
since i'm not really legal yet, i can't do anything involving money. i also haven't been, how do you say...properly trained. they gave me the nickel tour, and then pretty much tossed me out on the floor with 7 hours to fill every day and no real clear idea on what they'd like me to DO with it. every now and again, they apologetically give me a very simple task to do, and that's about it. i spent the first week swiffering shelves, and asking them if i could help them with anything over and over and over...
i finally asked one of our student workers what one did when there was NOTHING more to do. she pointed to her homework. but i'm not in school, i whined. she opened a register drawer and showed me a drawer full of sudoku books. then i put all my boss's clues together: "nicole (the girl before me) NEVER spent time in the office" and "everyone here is addicted to sudoku!" so i bought myself a big book of new york times crossword puzzles that i've been doing in my down time. no one blinks. in fact, they seem relieved that i'm not underfoot for seven hours a day. so yeah, it's what you call laid-back, and sometimes i can't believe my own dumb luck.
aside from that? well, my car simon is in the shop waiting for his new (to him) alternator to be installed, his Bad Noise to be looked at and *hopefully* his inspection to be completed. simon's mother is VERY ready for him to come back all healthy and legal, because, quite frankly, she's tired of pouring time and money into him.
to close, if you have never read dorothy parker, i respectfully ask that you do so now. she's the original dry smart-mouthed clever writer-grrl extraordinare and i am learning with every page.
also, i am in love with john mayer all over again. bold as love, indeed.
i haven't decided about the new indigo girls record yet. i am excited to find out when the new emily saliers line will premiere at hallmark cards...all they'll have to do is cut and paste her lyrics. i think i need her to have a drug problem or go to prison or something. she's just to damn...sensitive and flowery and stuff. sigh...
night, y'all.
ps. my profile has brought to my attention that as of 8/31/06, i have had this little web space for five years. wow. how about that hothead learning to stay with something good?