if you know me, if you know the boy, then it's expected that this stays here. understand that's it's not something i want spread around or discussed unless one of us brings it up. okay? okay.
*
"I never knew what enough was
Until I'd had more than my share
Then I let the darkness in
It was then I lost the dare
It was then I lost the day
There will be no prayers on your return
And there will be no party thrown
And you will find your inheritance
Is the silence that's grown
It is the seed that you've sown
Cause you were the one sure thing
The one sure thing
Maybe I'm not crazy, just inconsolable
Inconsolable
There is no mystery to be revealed
And so we tell the truth and then run
I love you because I love you
And I did think that you were the one
But now I see who you've become
Cause you were the one sure thing
The one sure thing
Maybe I'm not crazy, just inconsolable..."
*
i just don't understand this. i thought i...we had come through this. i thought the worst was over.
tonight he says, "the MRI of my brain came out clear, but it could be in my spine. i can't stop at just that one test. i'll push for a spinal tap, or a head/spine MRI. i need to know that we did all we could to find whatever this is."
i was devastated. i thought the worst was over. he's still talking like he has this, like he doesn't even need a diagnosis.
we talked/cried/fought for almost five hours. to hear him tell it, he's not telling himself that he has MS, he's telling himself that he has these symptoms, that SOMETHING is wrong...and he doesn't want to live with the what if, with the mystery. i can understand that. i really can. but my god, he was so negative about the whole thing.
this is my fucking darkest fear come to light. no, i don't think that he would die from MS. but another chronic illness? someone else i love suffering? he just doesn't understand, and he admits that, but knowing that didn't stop him from fucking breaking my heart with this. he just wouldn't stop...and he doesn't even know what any of this means. i don't know that he wants to be okay. that sounds terrible, but...all he can talk about is what tests he still needs and what they might find.
slowly but surely, all of my hope and optimism were worn out. i feel so scared and so empty now. he's fast asleep, and i'm still shaking, even after two tylenol pm. he asked me, through tears, just to trust him. it's not that i don't trust HIM, it's just that i don't trust that you can tempt fate this way and not get burned. i just don't trust this, any of it.
i just want him, in one piece. healthy and happy. i want life to not be tainted by illness for just a little while longer. is that so wrong? i am so fucking angry...i didn't want this back in my life. not yet.
i'm trying hard to hold on to the fact that neither one of knows anything for sure. i'm trying to have faith that he'll be okay. but when i said that i NEEDED that, that i needed there to be optimism here, he shot me down. said he couldn't handle all this thinking the best. he needed to be prepared...
i just don't know what to do. i asked for a list of his symptoms so that i can do my own research. i just need facts that don't come from him. he can't be my filter. i respect where he is right now, but i don't respect the total disregard for my needs. i told him my fears, over and over. i told him not to dump this on me, that i couldn't handle it. i told him to talk about the dark thoughts to someone else, because once they hit my brain, i'm useless to him. i can't help him when it's like this, and maybe that's the worst part: tonight i feel robbed of everything i have always drawn from. i've already given up any hope of control. i've already faced that fate is fate and out of my hands. it was just the cold hard facts he threw at the most scarred part of me that left me here.
and i just don't know where i should go.