he's okay. like, really really okay. the sense of relief is so ubiquitous in this house right now. everything is put back into perspective: life stress is downright welcomed after this.
what i haven't been saying here (for various reasons) is that we've had an ongoing health scare. j has a strong family history of MS, and had been presenting symptoms of varying degrees for the past year or so. he didn't have health insurance. you don't persue a diagnosis of a chronic illness without insurance. we had to wait.
as anyone who knows me well can attest, this is my biggest fear: that i would survive the illnesses and loss of my family only to grow up, fall in love, and have to lose that person, too. i've been living with this fear this off and on, since day one of this relationship. i didn't know (and still don't) what this would be for him, for me, for us. all i could do was pray for a job with benefits, and press for those scary but all-important doctor's appointments. all i could really do was hold my breath.
we went to the Big Hospital Conglomerate (they'll own this whole town one day) yesterday for j's MRI. i sat alone in the waiting room there, trying not to feel overwhelmed by the same decor and same feel of the busy specialist offices that grandpa and i visited over and over again. i just tried to breathe through it, just tried to believe that this time it could - and would - be different.
we went downtown last night for coffee and processing. what was there for me to say? all i came up with was, i will be here no matter the outcome...you will have me until the day you go. it was so hard to stay positive sounding while respecting the tremendous weight this put on both of us. i kept watching him move, watching his face as he talked about what this felt like, wondering how much longer it would be like it is now. i couldn't help but think of the time limit ticking over all our heads. things like this bring up not only our own mortality, but the mortality of our endeavors. every relationship has, for one reason or another, a time-stamp. nothing...NOTHING can last forever. i know this well. i have learned this over and over again, but this time it was someone i want to make my life with. this was a loss of my future, our future...not just my past or present.
i didn't want to write last night about all this...i was afraid that test results or just the light of day would make it look morose or irrelevant....just me being debbie downer one more time. but i'm writing tonight, because this IS important. i can't live blindly this time either. j and i are already pretty good about not taking this love for granted, about being passionate and loving (as a VERB), laughing and dancing in the kitchen and kissing in public...a LOT. but there IS a certain seductive feel about ignoring all of that in the name of a false sense of security. it hurts like hell to really let that fear in, accept it as truth, and LIVE with it.
was it worth it? was it worth REALLY looking into his eyes and REALLY seeing him in this moment, living it ALL? you bet your ass. because the test results and the light of day revealed to us that my boy has a perfectly healthy brain. no spots. no lesions. we're still going to the neurologist in the next few weeks to check out the symptoms he's had, but the worst case scenario here has changed drastically. even if his symptoms are signs of MS, it's at its earliest stages. even if it is, it'll be caught early, in it's most treatable stage.
tonight i am coming off of a very stressful day. nothing quite worked out today. it's been a struggle, especially in light of all of this. but when he came home today and told me his results came back clean, all of that faded away.
he's healthy. he's okay. he has had that ever-elusive *moment* to re-evaluate where he is in his life. he had the benefit of perspective. he looked at me through that new lease on life, and told me that he loves me madly. i still can't stop watching his face when he talks to me. he's okay. i'm okay. we're happy. we're healthy. we're in love, and together, and unbelievably good for one another.
and i could not ask for more.
*
"I'll light the fire
You place the flowers in the vase
That you bought today
Staring at the fire
For hours and hours
While I listen to you play your love songs
All night long for me
Only for me
Come to me now
And rest your head for just five minutes
Everything is done
Such a cozy room
The windows are illuminated
By the evening sunshine through them
Fiery gems for you
Only for you
Our house is a very, very, very fine house
With two cats in the yard
Life used to be so hard
Now everything is easy because of you..."