my my, how long has it been? i sure do love a night like this...honestly? i'm sitting here in my underwear and a tshirt, wrapped in a blanket. the front door is wide open and the blinds are closed. after my momentum push of resumes last night and this afternoon, i am left feeling lighter and left with nothing vital to do. i have needed this feeling, the feeling of decompression, of freedom, of juices flowing.
after my last friendster exploit, you'd think i would have had enough...but no. i found benningtonbecky on myspace. you KNOW you wanna see...
my GOD, how i was into that girl. WOW. and it's funny how she's not as cute as i remembered, but still cute, don't get me wrong. there is nothing sadder than a crush that doesn't age well. still, in my mind she was the girl all other girls were compared against. i remember sitting in ali's room with her and her roommate drinking rum, listening to fallin by alisha keys on repeat and talking (okay, crying over) our unrequited loves. it was precious. or the time i was in a cher wig for "transvestite night", she talked to me(!) and i cracked up so bad that i had to be led away. or when my friends caitlin and adam staged a raid to yank a picture of her in a tie OFF HER DOOR for a going away present. yep...precious. i showed j, i'm showing y'all, and i suppose that's the end of that. i'd love to think that i could leave something mature/grownup/witty on her page, but what the hell would i say? hey becky, remember me? the girl who circled your dorm's cul-de-sac in her car? yeah, i have a picture of you that my friends stole off your door in a frame somewhere in my basement! isn't that a SCREAM? eep....i think i was a stalker. and there ain't no way of saving face after that. better left alone, i think. at least she's kept her end of the bargain: she's still cute, and still posting pictures of herself in public places. god bless her.
and speaking of ex-lovers (or something like it), i think i'm finally ready to talk about the fact that three weeks ago, j and i stood outside of a party and talked to michael/TheEx for two hours. um...yeah. i did everything i was supposed to do. i hadn't contacted him or talked to him in years. i had walked away and let it all be, so i shocked when the universe decided that it was Time. we walked out to smoke, and he followed us by himself, which takes guts, you know? he was there with TheWife, and left her inside. to talk to me. and my boyfriend. for two hours. surprised? just a little. an ego trip? you bet your ass it was. i'm a good person, but i'm not running for jesus. i can own that.
we caught up and just talked about our lives now. he didn't have much to say about TheWife, and i didn't have to say anything about j...cause he got to be there. we got to be like we always are. that says it all. there was a moment when michael was telling me a story...he was really close to me and i just stopped listening and did an internal check, as in: this is what i wanted. this is all i wanted for YEARS. here it is. how does this feel? here we are...how is this? i looked into his eyes, those eyes that i loved. melty chocolate eyes, i called them...i stopped and i stared and i waited...nothing. he hugged me. nothing. i kept waiting for that electrical jolt, that chemistry. it got fractured somewhere, and i was so pleased to find that i didn't miss it. there was freedom in that hard-won distance between us. the only references to our former life together was from other people, one of which is married to him now.
TheWife could not stand that he was out there with j and i and did what she always does at parties/in times of crisis/any day that ends in y...she got DRUNK. after getting thoroughly sloshed, she made a statement at this queer/trans party about being LEGALLY married (ouch) that alienated the whole room, cuddled with HER ex in the kitchen, and then came her coup d'etat:
TheWife: i'll bet you didn't know that michael is going BALD.
me: ummmm....
TheWife: see? (grabs his neck and sticks his head in my face, and HOLDS IT THERE.)
me: whoa! ummmm....
TheWife: i can't believe you haven't seen this! i mean, YOU would remember what it USED to look like. YOU should know. YOU should remember that!
me: (shocked silence)
TheWife: (lets husband go) well, i've clearly messed this up, so i guess i'll go in now. (after no contest from us) well, okay...bye.
wow. it was really...well, it was just classy. i was a little jealous. he made some comment about wishing he could get drunk to drown her out, so i'm guessing his home life is just stellar. god bless. i was talking about them to a friend that was also at said party, and she said how sorry she felt for him. is it bad that i don't? that i can sit out there and talk to him, that i can care deeply about his wellbeing, that i can sincerely want the best for him...but that, when it comes to her, i think this is karma? that karma is when you get that thing you just HAD to have so badly that you didn't care who you hurt...just to find out that it is your prison. ha. hahahaha. i know that i just created karmac debt for myself, but i can't help it. some things are just funny.
in the end, we said goodnight and wished each other well. he shook j's hand, and i made him promise me that he would show up to more trans events, that we were okay enough to function in public, that he could access all the support he needed without fear of shittiness from j or i. i got to interact and stay sweet and funny, i paid leah compliments to him and other people (since we apparently still don't speak in public unless tanked), i stayed connected with myself and my boy, and i got to be the dignified one for ONCE.
hooray for progress.
(i like this late night writing just for writing's sake. go back one for my other entry tonight, and expect more again soon. love, y'all.)