i think i've been waiting to post here until i had something definite to say, like: i found a job. my car is running and legal. i went to a meeting. i had a breakthrough. something tangible, anything other than all these little life event ballons circling my head, not tied to anything. i need to feel grounded again. in control of SOMETHING.
the truth is, i can't even go to the grocery store without spinning out and feeling small and blinded by fluorescent lights. all i can think about is what i'm not right now, all that i can't seem to do. and i know that i'm in my own way. i know my perspective is shit. i know i can't expect life to look pretty if all i see is black...it is what i make it.
so why do i go back to the negative? why do i look up old girlfriends, when it'll only remind me of all the bullshit? why am i accepting a fate that i don't want, when all it takes is a drive to change it? why do i fear the generation and loss of that energy more than the hole i'm in without it?
you told me where your diary was. i read the entry you pointed me to, yes...but i couldn't help going back to 2003. i just HAD to read about myself then, even though i already know this story. what good does a reminder do? i already know that i was batshit crazy, and that i hurt you. i also know that i just hung up the phone with you not an hour ago, and you told me that you loved me, as you always do. so why am i choosing to sit here beating myself up over something i cannot change, and couldn't possibly make any better than we already have, instead of staying in the present?
and i guess that's my question: why do i CHOOSE to look back so often? i have the gift of the present in my hands, yet i'm either lost in what was or frantic about what might be. i can't get enough of beating the shit out of myself. i love it, i live for it. it's the most comfortable place in the world for me.
i don't know know how to exorcise my demons. some people tell me that there's no use in trying, that the best i can hope for is learning to live well in spite of them. some people tell me that expression and release of the pain i carry is the only way to freedom. i just need a road map. i just need to know how. i'm looking for that in therapy, in these meetings, in books, in my art, in coffee dates, in sex...everywhere i go, it's always there, always on my mind. i can't get over it but i can't get around it either. i desperately want to get through it.
can someone just tell me how?
"Fading everything to black and blue
You look a lot like you
Shatter in the blink of an eye
You keep sailing right on through
Every time you say you're learning
You just look a lot like me
Pale under the blistering sky
White and red
Black and blue
You’ve been waiting a long time
You’ve been waiting a long time
To fall down on your knees..."