i just googled "emotional self-inventory" and came up empty. i wanted a chart, a list of questions, something logical and simple to help me untangle. tomorrow is therapy, and i don't even know where to start.
i got an email from a college friend, who is currently living in istanbul. i always loved and admired her for her way of making very good things happen for herself. but the question "are you still in roanoke" just got to me. i know her tone, and it isn't snobby or rude, she really wants to know. so why do i feel so ridiculous replying with a yes? because she's in turkey at a cafe looking at asia, writing to me, and i just got done cleaning my bathroom. i can tell myself that she's had different kinds of choices to make and more support and more money or whatever it took for her to go travel europe. i can tell myself that it's not failure to be here in my house in my little southern bubble, to be so desperate for a part-time job to just COME THROUGH, to be seeking some solace in stepwork and therapy, but it feels pretty lameass just the same.
i feel like college for me was a visit to the world of the fortunate. the ones with all the money, power, support, and all the options that they made possible for those lucky few. i feel like i never shed my unluckiness like i never shed my southern twang. it marked me as different, and made damn sure that i would have to struggle for everything i ever wanted.
it's kind of a small town enigma to be someone who has "been somewhere." she went to school in vermont. she lived in new york. it can inspire nastiness (southern style, of course: being too big for one's britches is about as bad as it gets) or a kind of awe. i'm not fond of either. "anyone can do it!" i want to yell. i'm not so special. and i do truly believe that. it's all about choices and priorities; and, of course, what you start out with does determine how fast you get there. leaving home meant leaving all this behind. i can't do that anymore. i have a home and friends and a boy i adore. i could if i wanted to, i tell myself...i just don't want to.
still, i'm having a bit of a life crisis. i'm watching classmates appear in feature films and leaving to teach in france and working in high power towers in new york, and i struggle to get dressed before noon. i want to justify the time i've spent out of school, to say, wait! don't count me out, don't judge me as a failed middle-of-nowhere ex-patriate. i'm trying to believe that where i am is just where i need to be, but...
it's hard sometimes, especially when faced with so much damn peer success.
one day i will lead the parade. one day it'll be my degree we're celebrating, my posh teaching job, my stellar book review. one day....but i just don't have much evidence these days.
friday ended up not working out so well. there was no meeting, as in, there were no cars in the parking lot. i felt defeated and wrong and silly, and left wishing that it really WAS that easy for me to just move on and get over it. i'd like to believe that i know what i need better than anyone else, and that i'm not just spinning my wheels and searching for some eden that doesn't exist. i'd like to believe that telling secrets can free me. i'd like to believe in the power of joining together and pushing forward, pushing through. i need someone to tell me that it's all possible, or at the very least, to tell me that i'm not a fool for trying.
sunday, j and i tried again. this time, there were still no cars (we went to the wrong place) and i was in a MOOD. j had pushed me into going, even though i REALLY didn't feel like it, and i went just to show him up. i was filled with feelings of anger and self-hatred: what was wrong with me that i couldn't just do this without being sullen and mean? what was wrong with me that i had to do this at all? why is it that some people can just get up and over it and i can't? why do i feel like i'm going somewhere to be repaired? why is it that i'm so broken? it's not fucking fair that all this shit got dumped on me. i hate that fact, and i hate that i even just typed the word "fair." because what in life is fair? and why have i become that girl, the one who can't get around the boulder of past pain?
i asked my neighbor tonight for help. i asked her to call around and find me another meeting. because whether i like it or not, this is the road i am on. i'm exhausted. i'm raw. i feel too much, i think too much, i care too much to ever be cool. i constantly out myself as someone who is thoroughly engaged with my inner self (ie, searching emotional self-inventory on google).
stop trying to fix me. everyone, please...just stop. i'm not right, and neither are you. it's a balance that we've all got to find. all i need is your support. that's it. just tell me i can do this. just tell me that i'm doing good work. that's it. i'll never be you. i can't. this is me, the sensitive introspective child, all grown up and still searching.