i tried to sleep. we are both exhausted and sad and anxious and happy and purified and in love. i changed the songs on my mp3 player and slipped the earphones on. through them, i could still hear TheBoy breathing and rain against the windowpane. 'nightswimming' by rem played and i cried.

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night
I'm not sure all these people understand
It's not like years ago
The fear of getting caught
Of recklessness and water
They cannot see me naked
These things, they go away
Replaced by everyday

Nightswimming, remembering that night
September's coming soon
I'm pining for the moon
And what if there were two
Side by side in orbit
Around the fairest sun?
That bright, tight forever drum
Could not describe nightswimming...

i spent my birthday weekend living it up with some of my nearest and dearest at TheBoy's family farm. we sat poolside, swapped secrets and drank copious amounts of liquor.

it was just what i needed. i felt so far away. we were only really 40 minutes from home, but it may just as well have been 40 hours...we were in the center of the universe and the middle of nowhere all at once.

friday night, after the rain passed and my third margarita was gone, i felt something new and strange and familiar pushing me back towards the water. without waiting on (or asking) anyone else to join me, i slipped off my pajama pants and over-padded bra and waded into the pool. i couldn't believe how warm it was, or how infinite it felt to stand in the center and just look up into darkness. i felt the need to push further, and next off was my shirt. before long, all my clothes were on a pile on the deck and i was doing laps.

i have NEVER felt so free.

all the tensions and crisis of the last year were washed away. i just went easily, gracefully, into something i'd never known. i had shed my skin. all i needed in the world was what i had: elements. friends. christmas lights. stray cats. laughter.

the whole weekend was that way. nothing could get in, nothing could touch me. even though i had cramps and jaw pain and shoulder tension all weekend from residual stress...it was processing. it was on it's way out. i was able to feel it without distraction, able to just let. it. be. without trying to 'fix' it. i didn't need my body to cooperate in order to relax. my body began cooperating as i relaxed. what a novel concept.

we left today. i didn't have enough time, and yet, i had all the time i was supposed to get. nightswimming. it was a moment. a transforming moment, like watching the sun rise out the window of richmond's third street diner with my aunt after my first all-night conversation; just like singing 'tiny dancer' with caitlin and rachel in my car on the way back to bennington my last weekend there. moments. you can't ever get them back and you can't recreate them. the profound release of feeling for the first time.

knowing that doesn't stop me from wanting to run backwards.

Run to the water
And find me there
Burned to the core but not broken
We'll cut through the madness
Of these streets below the moon
With a nuclear fire of love in our hearts...

my father sent me a birthday card. first time ever. took him 24 years, but he appears to have gotten the hang of it. "all my love, dad" was all it said. and i don't know how i feel. it's better. it is. this is better than getting no acknowledgement of his first child's birth. it's better, it's just...heartbreaking. steps, i tell myself, go in steps. this is good, this is progress. the only thing i can't work with is silence. he didn't mention his father's day card. he didn't say he was sorry, or that he misses me. but how can i argue with "all my love"? it's what he got me for my birthday: a confession. he not only remembered, it would seem that this year, despite everything, he could not forget and he could not punish me. he couldn't help but send me his love, and i couldn't help but take it and smile.

TheBoy and i are both breathing heavy. anxiety breaths. the pressure was waiting on our doorstep. those feelings of freedom are squeezed out and the pressure seeps back. familiar. tired. "these things, they go away, replaced by everyday..." i don't want this feeling to go away. it was all i ever wanted. in that moment, i was queen of the entire fucking universe. i was bigger than it all, and i don't want to go back to feeling small. i'm not so strong yet. i get that. we're struggling with this everyday life, waiting for a break in the clouds, permission to REALLY live like we have only dreamed. i see him struggle. i know the darkness i face, and tonight it just seems too painful to accept. i want to pack one last bag and put him back in the car. i want to leave it all behind, just long enough to understand how to come back and do it without losing the part of myself that can wordlessly drop her clothes and wade up to her chin just because...why the fuck not? no shame. no force. just movement for our own good.

TheBoy put (the acoustic version of) this on a cd for me, and i need to give it back to him. nights like tonight, he couldn't even begin to imagine what it's given me...

In the day we sweat it out in the streets of a runaway American dream
At night we ride through mansions of glory in suicide machines
Sprung from cages out on highway 9,
Chrome wheeled, fuel injected
and steppin' out over the line
Baby this town rips the bones from your back
It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap
We gotta get out while we're young
'Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run

Wendy let me in I wanna be your friend
I want to guard your dreams and visions
Just wrap your legs 'round these velvet rims
and strap your hands across my engines
Together we could break this trap
We'll run till we drop, baby we'll never go back
Will you walk with me out on the wire
'Cause baby I'm just a scared and lonely rider
But I gotta find out how it feels
I want to know if love is wild
girl I want to know if love is real

Beyond the Palace hemi-powered drones scream down the boulevard
The girls comb their hair in rearview mirrors
And the boys try to look so hard
The amusement park rises bold and stark
Kids are huddled on the beach in a mist
I wanna die with you Wendy on the streets tonight
In an everlasting kiss

The highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive
Everybody's out on the run tonight
but there's no place left to hide
Together Wendy we'll live with the sadness
I'll love you with all the madness in my soul
Someday girl I don't know when
we're gonna get to that place
Where we really want to go
and we'll walk in the sun
But till then tramps like us
baby we were born to run

it's just that i have to learn to deal with life on life's terms without losing myself in the process.

in other words, welcome to your mid-twenties, hothead. i know, i know. and i will figure it out. over and over, at each different stage of life. this is not forever. we're gonna make it. we're gonna get there. and we're gonna have one hell of a time doing it. for all the fear and grief i carry, i also possess so much love and faith. i'll learn it, and then i'll learn it again. over and over, birthday after birthday because that's the real circle of life.

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