first of all, fuck you.
there. that feels much better.
of course i didn't really mean that, but writing it down helps me refrain from screaming it at the bedroom door.
goddammit. ladies, i need you to hear me on this one. forgive me honey, i'm bringing the personal into a public arena. i need help.
our sex life is in the toilet. okay, maybe not, but that's how it feels. it's been since...thursday, maybe? wednesday? i know that isn't a LONG time, but we just hit 5 months. it shouldn't be just once a week. and virtually every time i try with him, i get shot down. he's tired. he doesn't feel well. so fine. i give up. and yeah, after a while, it pisses me off. what's wrong that you don't want me?
this happened with michael, too. i spent YEARS being frustrated. i don't want to live that way anymore. i don't want to be rejected time and time again. i want to be desired. wanted. CRAVED. is that too much to ask??
apparently. he doesn't want to be "the asshole caveman who objectifies the woman." it seems that tonight, when i came out wearing only his work shirt and started kissing him, that i didn't send a strong enough signal. he thought i just wanted to be alone. no, jackass. i wear my old college sweatshirt and some flannel pajama pants if i just want to curl up and read. i have plenty of clothes on my own, thank you. pay some FUCKING attention here. you're dating a femme. don't you think i know how the game is played? don't you think i had a LITTLE intent when i came strolling in? but i didn't push the issue because you were TIRED. fine, but you weren't too tired to stay online for hours. what the fuck? what am i supposed to do with that?
i am SO tired of being the vulnerable one, the one whose guts are always hanging out. NEWSFLASH: i'm the easiest girl you've ever fucking met. i will rarely ever tell you no. and i get "no" from you all the time. do you know how that FEELS? god, i feel so pathetic. hothead: the girl whose own boyfriend won't even fuck her. how's that for spelling it out? jesus. i feel hideous right now. and i'm thoroughly sick of it.
so i meant what i said. you can come after me. i'm done. no more of this. you get to play it cool and act surprised when i get upset? ohhhhh no, buddy. i've got an hitachi magic wand that says that i can go way longer than you. let's see how you like it. you're about 3 months into your testosterone injections? ha. that oughta be beautiful.
do NOT fuck with my head. you may NOT make me feel this way. i'm giving you way too much power here. "poor is the man whose pleasure depends on the permission of another." take that, asshole.
*
whew. okay.
yeah, so i'm a TEENY bit angry. but i'm also reasonable here. i looked some things up on http://sexualhealth.com, and i found a really interesting article on differing sex drives. in a nutshell:
...expectations set the stage for frustration and relationship conflict, say therapists. The person whose expectations are dashed feels disappointed, even angry, at his or her partner’s lack of so-called "normal" sexual response. And when these feelings are communicated, verbally or otherwise, the partner is likely to end up feeling inadequate as well as resentful...
disappointed? check. angry? do you even need to ask? and his last statement before the door slammed was an expression of gratitude for making him feel like an "inadequate eunuch." eek. so, let's look at this. what am i expecting? i expect him to treat me like a lover, not a roommate whom he *happens* to get lucky with occasionally. i expect that he would compromise with me. there are a bajillion ways to have sex with someone:
...the partner with lower desire may be willing to do something sexual for his partner from time to time, even if he doesn’t feel like having sex. He can use his hand or mouth to satisfy her...
see? i don't want it all, just give me SOMETHING. sigh. i also really need him to understand that i need the emotional connection, the INTIMACY that happens when the lights go down. i'm the quintessential cancer. i'm an emotional girl. i need to feel the sparks that fly when you touch me (anywhere, by the way, even "non-sexually"), and when you kiss me like you fucking mean it.
i want to feel that connection every day. every damn day. no excuses. we need this as a couple. make it a priority.
so back to the reason for this post: am i asking too much? TheEx always called this need of mine unreasonable. i always disagreed, but i'm wondering now that i'm here AGAIN. is it me? do i really need to just let it go and not expect anything? that feels an awful lot like giving up, something that i am clearly not ready to do. i just hate feeling like a whore. i hate feeling rejected. i hate feeling undesired, unwanted.
i'm not kidding, i need to hear from you all who've felt this way. commisserate. tell me how you dealt. i don't know how to get through this one, and i'm trying hard not to shut down on him.
just...help.